Tuesday Night Nuisance (The Joker and The Penguin)

[The Penguin]

Tuesday Night at the Iceberg Lounge. Not the busiest night of the week, and The Penguin kind of liked it that way. Most of the time, the nightclub was booming, and while he loved the money that came in, he wasn't a big fan of the fights, his lovely waitresses constantly getting hit on, and the police usually showing up and swarming him with questions about someone getting shot or attempting to penalize him for a noise complaint. So Tuesdays were definitely a break.
The Penguin waddled about the Lounge, his lovely head waitress/moll Bluebird on his arm, chatting with diners, drinkers, and those playing cards. In the back, the band played a quiet melody. The Penguin took Bluebird's hand and turned to the musicians.

" Gentlemen, something with a bit more swing if you please?" he said. "This bird fancies a dance." The band did so and The Penguin began to show off some pretty impressive moves with his current lady love.

[The Joker]

The door to the Iceberg Lounge was kicked open by none other than the Clown Prince of Crime himself. Over his purple tailcoat suit and all the doodads that followed in that particular train, he wore a long black overcoat and a matching tando hat over it all to better hide his face in public.
But it was also mainly for style. After all, what was he if not stylish?
Once inside, the Joker shrugged off his coat and hat and threw them at a nearby attendant, throwing her a wink as he slid over to a table, propping his feet up on it, the mud from his walk getting all over the table cloth. He snatched up the small candle on the table and began tossing it back and forth between his hands, spinning it on his index finger for a time before beginning to toss it again, all the while simply giggling to himself.

[The Penguin]

For a moment, The Penguin was enjoying the dance a bit too much to notice the latest patron to enter. In fact, he might not have noticed for a good few minutes longer if BlueBird hadn't spotted the Joker and let out an "EEP!" The Penguin looked and her and smiled.

"What troubles you, my little puffin?" he asked. "A bit too fast on my feet, am I? Well, if you'd like we could switch to something a bit more..." He then spotted the man who may have been his colleague in crime, but was certainly not his bosom friend. He quacked in annoyance as he stopped the band. He then waddled over and tried his best to keep the smile of a proper host. [color=navy "Hello..sir, and welcome to the Iceberg Lounge. How may we serve you this evening?" [/color] The Penguin was not looking forward to the answer.

Mr. Beak gripped an umbrella gun that lied under the bar and Mr. Talon watched anxiously from the kitchen. Bluebird was now hiding behind the band.

[The Joker]

"Sir? the Joker inquired, "SIR?! Oh come on, Pengers, is that any way to greet an old friend? What, am I not in proper attire? Lend me one of the waitress outfits and I'll knock your socks off."
Joker laughed and held his stomach before standing in one rubbery sort of move, launching himself from the chair and looking down at the Penguin.
"I just came in to see how the old place is holding up. It's been what seems ages since I've graced these floors with my footsies. Though it seems awfully boring tonight......maybe I should spice things up a little...."
The Joker put his index and thumbs together in a sort of film camera manner and held it up to the place, looking around and "hmmm"ing to himself.

[The Penguin]

The Penguin quacked out a groan. Nothing good would come of this. The Penguin quickly recalled every other time The Joker was in here. And to think he even aligned with this maniac a few times to attempt to take out Batman.

"Sorry...old friend, but rules of the house: Buy some drinks, buy a meal, gamble, or get out," he said calmly, maintaining his temper for the time being. One thing that irked The Penguin was the mud on the Joker's shoes. The Penguin grabbed a bottle of Seltzer water from the bar and sprayed them down. "The clean-up is on the house." The Penguin then seated himself next to the Joker. He already knew the psycho would leave when he was ready, so maybe the Penguin could keep him occupied from burning the place down. He put a fresh cigarette in his holder and lit it with a penguin-shaped Zipp-O. "So I ask again, how may your... old friend serve you tonight?"

[The Joker]

Joker's grin turned to a scowl. He withdrew a large roll of hundred dollar bills from his pocket and threw it into the Penguin's face, the bills scattering everywhere.
He plopped down in the seat and put his feet up again.
"There," he growled, "Now that I've paid, I can sit. Bring me whiskey. A bottle and a glass. In that order."
He swiftly turned to the bar and pointed at the man tending it.
"AND IF YOU BRING ME THE GLASS THEN THE BOTTLE, YOU'LL FIND YOUR EYEBALLS STUFFED INTO YOUR THROAT, UNDERSTAND?!?!?"
He then looked back at Oswald and smiled, leaning his head back and relaxing.
"Quite a place indeed...." he mused, "Been quiet lately, Ozzie. Hardly worth my time to pay you a little visit. We USED to have something in common. Or....someone."

[The Penguin]

The Penguin had to nod in agreement as the bartender quickly brought the Joker his order. The Penguin then motioned for Mr. Beak to pick up the money. This the man had no problem with. The Penguin puffed away as he rested his chin on his umbrella handle.

"True enough, old boy," he said. "I can't deny that I miss the days when I went all-out against that Caped Codfish, one-on-one to the bitter finish. But things got a bit out of hand when our foe found himself a rag-tag band of birds and bat-babies to aid him in his little crusade. Granted, I'm still in the crime game. After all, you can't teach an old bird new tricks. But I've got to have something to fall back on... unless of course you're planning to melt this Iceberg tonight." The Penguin stared at him coldly as Mr. Beak brought his boss his usual night-cap; A Canary Island Special- a mixture of liquors with just enough juice to make it appear yellow. And of course the drink had a little umbrella.

[The Joker]

"And what if I were, old bird?" the Joker asked as he leaned toward the Penguin, his tone darker than it had been, "What if I were to burn this place to the ground along with everyone inside? You see THEN it wouldn't matter what you had to fall back on, would it? Planning for the future is so boring. You have to live for the here and now. Might not wake up tomorrow."
The Joker withdrew a pack of normal playing cards and began to shuffle them expertly.
"You see, there's you...." he said as he held up the top card, which was the King of Diamonds then proceeded to shuffle the deck further, "And then there's Batsy...."
He held up the top card which was now the Ace of Spades.
"But when all's said and done, this whole city is going to burn one way or another!" he cackled as he let the cards fly into the air. As they fell to the floor he caught one in midair, keeping it from facing Penguin, "And then....there's only me."
He flipped the card around to Penguin. A joker.
"Just little ol' me, who wins even in death. Because I lived how everybody should. No regrets."

[The Penguin]

The Penguin quacked grimly at the Joker's little philosophy, half-way trying to convince himself that Joker actually had a logical philosophy. Then again, there was always a level of logic in what the Joker said and did. One just had to be as twisted at the Penguin to pick it up. Still, the Penguin wasn't allowed to let the Joker convince him to bask in the present moment.

"Since when did the Clown Prince of Crime become a bloody Buddhist?" he asked. "You can't tell me that what I've spent years planning for hasn't paid off. This little nightclub has done me well as both a legitimate business and a front operation, and I'm not going to stand idly by and watch you make a war zone of it tonight." The Penguin then had a thought and grinned as he puffed his cigarette. "But since it's obvious I can't just get rid of a paying customer... I have a little proposition for you. If I win, you are banned from my Lounge. In fact, I never see your ugly white face again. If I lose, the Lounge is all yours to do with as you please. Are you interested in hearing more?" The Penguin was not desperate at this point. He could always set up another club IF the Joker did destroy this one. He wanted to hurt the Joker in the only place the Joker could be hurt... his pride.

[The Joker]

"OoooOOOooOooooh a wager!" the Joker giggled as he clasped his hands on his lap and looked at the Penguin intently, "Do go on."
The Joker was admittedly intrigued. Would he ultimately leave the Iceberg Lounge forever as per the agreement if he lost? Of course not. That'd be playing fair.
And playing fair was boring.
Plus.....the Joker didn't lose.

[The Penguin]

The Penguin saw the look in the Joker's eyes. Granted, it was the same look it always was; like no one was driving...or far too many people were driving all at once. But the Penguin could tell (and knew The Joker well enough) to know the Joker would not keep his end of the bargain if he lost. But none of that really mattered. The Penguin knew what he would really gain from it all, and that was the satisfaction that he would upstage the Joker.

"A Crime-Off!" said the Penguin. "A contest where both participants go on a crime spree. The first participant to steal twenty-five million dollars in cash or the equivalent in items without getting caught by the Bat, his little friends, or the police wins. And he's the tricky part- we must commit our thefts alone, and the ONLY crime to be committed is theft. No conning, killing, or maiming. We're doing this the old fashion way. Are we agreed?" The Penguin extended his hand, but realized the Joker might have a lethal hand buzzer on. He quickly pulled his hand back.

[The Joker]

The Joker's lips parted slowly into a grin that might have split his head in two.
He chuckled and ran his hand through his hair slowly before taking the whiskey bottle and carefully pouring it into the glass. Once the glass was halfway filled, he set the bottle down and put it to his lips, taking in a large mouth full of whiskey.
....but he didn't swallow it.
He swiftly snatched up the candle and spat the whiskey all over Penguin's shoes then threw the candle onto them before dashing for the door cackling wildly.

[The Penguin]

The Penguin quacked out a scream and did a little dance until Mr. Beaks pouted a pitcher of ice water on his feet to put out the fire. Even though the Joker was gone now, The Penguin yelled out a number of obscenities at him.

"....And that's what you can do with that whiskey bottle, you second-rate comedian!" he concluded. He then turned to Bluebird, who was still trying to hide behind the band. "Stopping shaking in your feathers, you twit! He's gone! Go to my office and get me a new pair of shoes, as well as 'umbrella P-17' from my arsenal if you can remember all that while you chew your gum!"

The Joker might have gotten his head start, but the Penguin had already devised a way to slow his foe down. After all, he said that the two could not commit any other crimes. He never said someone couldn't do something legal. The Penguin quacked out a laugh as Bluebird brought him his shoes'

"Prepare the DuckCar and then get lost," he said to Beak. "I said I'd do this alone and I will. Time for the Penguin to be a bird of prey again!"

[The Joker]

The Joker skipped down the street until he stopped at a decent-looking car that was parked at the curb. Checking the gas tank and seeing that it was at full, he elbowed the window in and hopped inside, hotwiring it and letting the car roar to life. Laughing like the madman he was, he sped off down the street, his initial plan to simply mug everyone he saw to see how that would go for about the first ten minutes....
Nah, that was too easy. No sport in it.
He determined one simple way was to hold up a bank.....too simple. Far too simple.
Eventually, the Joker settled on his original plan and leaned out the window, withdrawing a pistol from inside his coat pocket and firing at the pedestrians, hobos, didn't matter. Anything walking that was in his sight.
Once one line was done he began to gather their wallets and change merrily, giggling all the way.
Eh, it was a start. Besides, it was such a random crime it'd hardly be connected to him. No one was laughing or grinning. Just full of holes.

[The Penguin]

A small, private high society gathering took place at the Silver Swan Hotel. The guest list was small, consisting of the elite and elderly members of the Gotham Parakeet Club. Outside, the Penguin straightened his bowtie and hat and if intending to join his the party. He stepped up to the aging man at the door, who looked at him suspiciously.

"And you are...?" he asked snobbishly.

"Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot... Bird About Town," said the Penguin with a bow. The doorman looked at the guest list.

"I don't see you on the list, sir, and besides you're far too young for this gathering," he said.

"A high compliment, old boy," said the Penguin. "You do your job well, so well that you deserve a short respite." Knockout gas then fired from his umbrella, putting the men to sleep. The Penguin then held his breath as he opened the umbrella and released it. The umbrella spiraled into the room and the gas went everyone, putting everyone inside asleep. The Penguin then operated the fan to blow the gas away before he stepped in himself. "Have no fear, my geriatric friends, you'll be up and eating your applesauce in three hours." The Penguin then removed a bag from his jacket and gathered their cash and jewels.